The Seagulls are Attacking!
by Flutternut
Summary: Luke Skywalker has gone evil and it is up to the notorius Flutternut to save the world! Can she do it before chem class? Find out! Rated Pg-13 for langauge. Flames are welcome. Yes, I'm looking to have a barbacue sometime . . .
1. The Skywalker/Seagull Connection

Deep in the cold void of space, there was a woman unlike any other. She was the brave, dashing soul who could single-handedly wipe out the threat of bad guys. Her name . . . Flutternut.   
My story begins with the sad tale of a fifteen-year-old girl who learns the implorable truth of Luke Skywalker, her one and only true hero. This girl (5'4, brown hair, hazel eyes, damn sexy) was strong in the Force. Strong enough to find out something she never knew possibly . . .   
  
  
Flutternut sat in her bedroom, looking into the sky with her binoculars as her best-friend, the Duchess of Gayness, attempted to play a merry little tune on her comb and wax paper.   
" Holy anonymous whores of New Mexico!" Flutternut suddenly exclaimed.  
" What is it?" the Duchess of Gayness asked, dropping her comb in surprise.  
" This is indeed very odd . . ." Flutternut mumbled to herself. " There seems to be a very strange pattern happening on the moon as we speak."  
" That is very strange," agreed the Duchess of Gayness, sounding very annoyed. " Especially considering the fact that it is daylight, you lifeless moron!"  
Flutternut did not seem to hear her friend's comment. She changed her view so she saw another startling sight from the west. " Marilyn Manson's Breast Implants! I also see a horde of seagulls approaching from the west. I sense a disturbance in the Force."  
" Well," the Duchess of Gayness said, joining her pathetically stupid friend at the windowsill. " You know what this means?"  
" Yes," Flutternut said, dropping her binoculars to the floor and getting ready to run out the door. " Luke Skywalker is living on the moon and controlling the world's population of seagulls!  
" NO!" the Duchess of Gayness cried out in dismay. " It means you need to lay off the crack."  
" Hey, at least I'm not the one named Duchess of Gayness," Flutternut retorted.  
" But my name isn't even the Duchess of Gayness!" the Duchess of Gayness protested.  
Flutternut shook her head sadly. " This is no time for bickering, Duchess of Gayness. The galaxy is at danger if we don't warn someone of Skywalker's plot to kill off the human race in three months with his damn band of seagulls."  
" You idiot!" the Duchess of Gayness shouted. " How the hell did you get all of that from looking out the binoculars at a non-existing moon and horde of seagulls?"  
Flutternut put a hand on her friend's shoulder. " Some of us are more Force adept than others," she said, gently breaking the news of the Duchess of Gayness's impotentence (um . . . yeah). " We can fully discuss this later. But right now, Duchess of Gayness, we have a galaxy to save . . ."  
" Yeah, and how exactly do you plan on doing that, oh brave Jedi Knight?"  
Flutternut raised her eyebrows in a typical Eric Matthews manner (sorry, i love boy meets world. watch it sometime). " We're going to the United States Senate." 


	2. The United States Senate

CHAPTER TWO: THE US SENATE  
  
AN: ** means italics. Yes, very good my young Padawan learner.  
  
The saga continues . . .   
  
The Duchess of Gayness and Flutternut ran across the street to their good firend Chrisbacca's house. Chrisbacca stood outside his home with Han Homo, making repairs to their dilipadated mode of transportation, the ugly ass mult-colored oldmobile called the *Lesbian Falcon*.  
" What is it, Flutternut?" Han Homo asked. " Has your mother been eating rat poison again?"  
" No, Homo," Flutternut said. " It is much worse than that. We must immediately go to the United States Senate."  
" I don't understand," Han Homo said, blinking his eyes rapidly. Chrisbacca threw back his head and roared in agreement.  
" There's no time to explain!" Flutternut shouted in a panic. " Get the *Lesbian Falcon* started now."  
Seeing their friends horror, they scurried to her orders. The Duchess of Gayness lingered into the backround, watching the crazed scene with her inbred eyes (j/k, jessi, you know i love you . . . no, you sick fools not that way).   
They all piled up into the *Lesbian Falcon* and began to put down the street when a sudden crazed manaic threw themselves in front of the car. Han Homo and his co-pilot, Chrisbacca, slammed on the brakes in startlement. The manaic suddenly resurfaced.  
" I am okay," they said in a slurred manner. "Everything is all-ight."  
" Oh God!" Han Homo exclaimed in horror. " It is a drunken fool from the ghetto."  
" Wasup, homie g-dogg?" the Drunken Fool said.  
" We have no time to argue with this Drunken Fool," Flutternut said. " Throw them in the back and let's get a move on!"  
Chrisbacca picked up the Drunken Fool and to Flutternut's request put her in the back seat of the oldsmobile wagon. It was time to haul ass fast to the US Senate.  
  
  
*In front of Flutternut, stood Luke Skywalker, holding his green lightsaber and laughing maliciously. On his shoulder, perched a seagull with an evil glint in his eye. Fear spursed through the young girl as she trembeled in the evil Jedi Master's prescence (damn, I'm good).  
" What do you want from me?" Flutternut demanded, her miliscule voice echoing thousands of time in the dark vacuum of space. " The dark vacuum of space?" Flutternut wandered out loud. " How is that possible? The coldness of deep space should have already caused our bones to become brittle and our bodies to collapse out of existence."  
Luke Skywalker. " We're hot damn Jedi, fool," he said simply in reply.  
" Ah . . .," Flutternut said, realization dawning on her sexy features (yes, I'm single if interested).   
" A great battle is about to take place," Luke Skywalker said. " You and I will fight to the death unless you anull your crusade to stop my league of invincable seagulls."  
" Never!" Flutternut cried out fiercely. " I will do what is best for the people!"  
" I'll sleep with you," SKywalker offered.  
Flutternut thought for a second. " No, not even that will work on me!" she cried. " If we must fight to the death, then so be it! I'd rather die than see our world reigned upon by a evil, kaniving Jedi and his seagulls!*-----  
  
" What are you talking about?" Han Homo said, who was standing above Flutternut. Flutternut opened her eyes, realizing that her confrontation with Skywalker had been a dream.  
Or had it been? The Jedi worked in odd ways sometimes . . . Flutternut knew this to be true from her own experience.  
" What is it, Han?" she asked.  
" We are at the Senate in Washington D.C., like you wanted," he said. " And Drunken Fool has vomited all over the backseat."  
" Damn, and I just thought Skywalker was smelly," Flutternut said outloud, voicing one of her many stupid opinions. Han Homo decided to ignore it.  
" Well . . .," Flutternut said, "to the Senate building, to fight for the freedom of the human race from the clutches of Skywalker and his seagulls!"  
" Drunken Fool is passed out . . . should I just leave her in the Lesbian Falcon?"  
" Yes, good idea," Flutternut agreed. " To the Senate Building we go!"  
The friends banded together as they walked up the stairs of the Senate Building. They were greeted by a dumbass secretary intern (I think we all know how that goes so no further details needed).  
" May I help you?" she asked, widening her eyes so she looked like a mongoose in heat (I'm not sure what that looks like, but to the story my friend).   
" We need to talk to the senate!" Flutternut said grandly. " This is a life or death issue!"  
" Sweet mother of gentle jesus!" she exclaimed. " I'll get you to Senator Fatass's office as soon as possible."  
  
  
IN SENATOR FATASS'S OFFICE  
  
Senator Fatass sat with the back of the chair to Flutternut and their friends, who stood stoically for their beliefs in Skywalker and the seagulls (except the Duchess of Gayness of course who thought they all were lifeless morons).  
" What is this I hear of a life and death issue?" he asked in a chilling voice.  
" Um, well, Senator Fatass," Flutternut began, gulping down her shyness. " I've just discovered that the world is going to end in three months."  
Senator Fatass slowly pivoted in his chair. The group screamed at his obesity and shielded their eyes. He was a Hutt just like Jabba!  
" What the hell!" shouted the Duchess of Gayness.  
" And how have you come to the conclusion that the world is going to end," Senator Fatass asked, clasping his disporportional hands together.   
" Well, Senator Fatass," Flutternut said, "I know that Luke Skywalker lives on the moon and is currently controlling the world's population of seagulls." She paused for dramatic effect, looking straight into the ugly hutt's eyes. " And in three months, he's going to order them to distinguish the human race!"  
The room was silent with Flutternut's revelation. But soon the walls shook with a rumble.  
" Hoo-hoo-hoo," Senator Fatass laughed. Oh, how he laughed, his great obesity shaking with every guffaw. Everyone was transfigured by the great bowls of fat's jello-like characteristic- they found that they could barely concentrated on nothing else! " This is the biggest piece of shit I have ever heard of! Star Wars does not exist, you lifeless morons! Get out of my office, fools!"  
" Um, wait a second," said the Duchess of Gayness, holding up a hand. Everyone turned to look at her. " Um, yeah, I was just thinking, Senator Fatass, if the Star Wars universe really doesn't exist . . . "  
Flutternut shook her head and interrupted her friend. " Senator Fatass, if you don't help us, then I suggest a vote of no confidence!" Her friends, besides the mystified Duchess of Gayness who was trying to figure out the logistics of what was happening around her, nodded and shouted out there agreement.  
" You dumbass!" Senator Fatass roared. " There is no such thing as a vote of confidence!"  
Everyone was silent as they tried to think in their small brain pools of what to do next.  
" Corruption has taken over the Senate," Flutternut said, her eyes holding a certain malaise that only the incredibly stupid pocess. " We will fight for the independence of Michigan so that we can fight off the greatest threat to human society in history!"  
" You will not win, fools," Senator Fatass replied. " That is possibly the dumbest dumbass thing I've ever heard!"  
" We've got to get back to the Lesbian Falcon," Flutternut said. " It's time to haul ass." 


	3. The Liberation of Michigan Begins!

*En route back to Michigan in the Lesbian Falcon*  
  
" Aye, Macarena!" sang Drunken Fool. " All the homies in the joint now!"  
" Will someone shut her up?" the Duchess of Gayness demanded. But as usual, no one paid attention to the henious bitch.  
" It's all-right that the United States Senate didn't believe you, Flutternut," said Han Homo, turning from the road to comfort his friend. Chrisbacca growled in agreement. " I'm sure everything will go the way you want it when we fight for the independence of Michigan. I'm sure everyone will believe you then."  
As both of the drivers' attention was elsewhere, they ran over yet another unsuspecting pedestrian.  
" Bloody hell!" shouted the Duchess of Gayness. " Are you trying to be in the Guinness World Book of Records."  
" Alec Guiness!" Flutternut shouted. " That is who we need!"  
" Sorry, dumbass, but the dude is dead," the Duchess of Gayness said, crushing her friends dreams and hopes for the future of mankind.  
" Anyways, let's just check out the person we just ran over," Han Homo said, cutting into the hostile moment. " Let's hope it isn't another Drunken Fool."  
" Chickas to the front!" Drunken Fool sang, stimulated once again into singing old, stupid songs by the sound of her name. " Ha, ha, ha, ha! Go around, around, around!"  
" That's not how it goes!" shouted the Duchess of Gayness.  
Of course, by now I think you all know that no one paid attention to her. Instead, they exited the Lesbian Falcon to check out the person they ran over.  
It was yet another female (jesus, why can't they ever be guys?), who was pretty but not as sexy as Flutternut (will never happen). Han Homo and Chrisbacca helped the unconcious woman to her feet.  
" Flutternut?" she said unsurely.  
" Flutternut!" exclaimed Flutternut. "That's me!"  
The woman looked disoriented among the world weary travelers (wtf!), her eyes finally resting on Flutternut's petite form. " Boris Yeltzin has sent me," she explained. " The Senate is not what I believe in anymore. Help me, Flutternut. You're my only hope."  
With those last words, she drifted back into oblivion. Flutternut and her friends, now joined by the Duchess of Gayness, glanced in amazement at one another.  
" Wow!" Han Homo said excitedly. " Boris Yeltzin! You're really hitting the big time now!"  
" Hit me with your best shot!" everyone could hear Drunken Fool sing from the Lesbian Falcon. They cringed at the awful Pat Benatar song. " Fire away-ay-ay-ay-ay."  
" Sounds like a damn broken record," the Duchess of Gayness muttered to herself.  
" What should we do with this chick?" Han Homo asked.  
" Throw her in the back with Drunken Fool," said Flutternut. " We have to get to Michigan and begin our crusade."  
  
*MEANWHILE ON THE MOON . . . . *  
Luke Skywalker sat in the shadows of Earth, waiting gleefully until his skilled Seagull Commando appeared from the horizon, wearing his custom made seagulls spacesuit so he wouldn't die (because unlike Skywalker and Flutternut, he wasn't a hot damn Jedi). The Seagulls Commando perched himself on Luke Skywalker's shoulder, cooing his daily report (okay, I don't think seagulls coo but that really has no revelence in the story anyways, so upward and onward). His stocks on hair spray went down (damn it), the latest news from Soap Opera digest (yes, finally Barbara and John screw after all this time), and the news of the young Jedi from Earth who could potentially ruin their whole damn Skywalker/Seagull order. But little did Flutternut know, there was a traitor among her group. As long as the informant was kept a secret, Flutternut and her little regime was going done . . . ooh, sweet, sweet victory was all Skywalkers . . . bwah, ha, ha, ha. Bwah, ha, ha.****  
  
**MEANWHILE ON EARTH***  
Once they arrived back in the home state of Michigan, in their quiet peaceful little town where all of this had started, the near roadkill woman began to rouse. Chrisbacca and Han Homo left to round up warriors for their 'Michigan Militia'. The Duchess of Gayness was sleeping, and Drunken Fool was counting her fingers, somehow transfigured by the fact there were ten of them.  
Flutternut saw this as her opportunity to talk to the wordly stranger. " Who are you?" she asked.  
" I am Princess Henious Bitch Part 1," she explained. " I am an old friend of Boris Yeltzin, the informant who told me the Senate's corruption and Skywalkers and the seagulls collaboration to take over the world." She paused. " I have an army who is willing to join in your fight for the independence of Michigan if that is what it is necessary for Skywalker to be stopped."  
" Thank-you," said Flutternut. " You do not know how much this means to us."  
Princess Henious Bitch Part 1 smiled, "Yes I do, you mental defroid. Oh, I'm feeling quite better."  
" I can tell," Flutternut said, not pleased at all.  
" Well, jackass, what are you waiting for? I am Princess Henious Bitch Part 1! Get of your fat ass and call the governor of Michigan! We have a war to fight tommorow!"  
  
  



	4. The Commando Seagull Strikes Back

(A week's time has passed. The governor of Michigan, I forget his name because I really don't care, let's call him Bob for now, has succeeded to the Michigan Militia. Actually, I was making that up. Truth be told, the fight was immediately qualled and the friends were sent to jail. Princess Henious Bitch Part 1 died, but unfortunately the Duchess of Gayness continues to live)  
  
*IN THEIR PRISON CELL*  
" That was brilliant," the Duchess of Gayness said sarcastically. " Now I'm stuck in jail for the rest of my life. Kudos, Flutternut."  
" I'm not in the mood for your compliments, Duchess of Gayness," Flutternut said. " We have to think of some way to get out of here. We don't have that much time before Skywalker's Seagulls regime takes everything over!"  
" But what can we do?" Han Homo asked. Chrisbacca roared accordingly to his useless part in the story. " We're in prison. There is no way to get out."  
" We can't just give up!" Flutternut said. " I am not going to let Skywalker take over the world! I refuse!"  
" La, la, la, labamba!" sang Drunken Fool. She dug her hands into her pockets as she sang the lame song. " Oh, look, I have a nail file!"  
" I knew the idiot was good for something!" said the Duchess of Gayness, grabbing the nail file and began to rub it against the metal bars of their confinement. Flutternut heaved a deep sigh.  
" We really aren't going to get out," she said, watching her now insane friend. But no sooner were the words out of her mouth, a white seagull descended from the heavens. The crowd retracted from the doorway in horror, as the seagull stayed suspended mid-air, it's evil eyes traveling over the group. Finally, it rested on Flutternut, not just because she was the sexiest of them all, but also because she was the one his master sent him for. The Seagull Commando dove into the group, grabbing Flutternut's shirt and dragging her out of the cell.  
" Help!" Flutternut called in fear. Her friends tried to stop the seagull, but to no avail, Flutternut was carried off to Luke Skywalker's secret lair. 


	5. En Route to Skywalker's Secret Lair

AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 


End file.
